Find Your People - Building Meaningful Connections and Friendships

Samantha: Let's get real.

Christian: Who wants to have another surface- level conversation?

Samantha: Not us. I'm Samantha.

Christian: And I'm Christian, two friends having raw, but truth- filled conversations about the messiness of life.

Samantha: So buckle up and don't be shy.

Christian: Because yep, we're going there.

Samantha: We're going there.

Christian: Hello, hello.

Samantha: Hi.

Christian: How are you today, Samantha?

Samantha: I'm good. We are back at it after a little hiatus of our recording. You guys don't know that because episodes have been still coming out. But we're excited to be back together in our normal routine, back on my couch, this time just with the baby in my lap.

Christian: I know. Guys, it's so sweet. We have James here today. So if you hear tiny baby noises, inaudible

Samantha: Yep.

Christian: James is a part of the pod now.

Samantha: He's just a part of the gang.

Christian: It's very fun. Guys-

Samantha: I would-

Christian: Ooo.

Samantha: Oh. We're we're out of practice.

Christian: I know. Guys, we're excited to jump in today, because today, we are talking about friendship and community and how we are challenging ourselves to build that. And it's one of those things, actually. Back in the day we started this podcast ultimately because Samantha and I loved going deep in conversation. We love talking about a lot of different things in life and that grew into recognizing like, wow, this is different. This is different than what a lot of people have. We are really thankful and blessed that that is a gift we have in our lives, with a lot of people to be able to talk about things with and do life alongside with, but recognizing that's maybe not normal and just challenging ourselves of how to do that well, but then also encouraging each other to how to constantly find people, how to build a community and how to just do life alongside each other, as the Bible commands, in walking alongside people.

Samantha: Yeah. One of our first episodes, I think our very first episode, was on friendship and, obviously, we've grown a lot in the last year and I'm sure there's things we would've said differently or changed about that episode. But it's been interesting, because over this now year that we've released episodes, the number one thing I feel like we hear feedback on or we get questions on or we get the most, " I loved that you said about friendship" is this idea of, " I need to make friends. How do you do that in your 20s? I want a community. I want relationships like this. I just don't know how to do it." And we still feel that. I mean, even though we feel like we have a really solid, awesome group of friends, in a good community, it's like, there's still messiness in it, there's still challenges, and there's still days where it's like, " Oh, am I doing this right?" And so, we want to talk this through and we have something really cool that we want to do. We're in the summer, we're all relaxed and have a little bit more time on our hands. And so, one thing Christian and I love to do is read and we thought it'd be really fun to do a little book club, a Going There book club.

Christian: Yes.

Samantha: And so, a book that I actually haven't read all the way through yet, but we're seeing tons of content come out about, and I know people are loving it, is Jennie Allen's new book, Find Your People. I mean, I really feel like it's radical in the Christian space.

Christian: It's amazing. I've already read it and I already went to Samantha and I was like, " You got to read this book." I read it in literally two plane rides one time-

Samantha: Yeah. Christian keeps-

Christian: ... andit's amazing.

Samantha: Christian keeps going, " Have you not read this?" I'm sorry, I've been in the hospital from a septic infection and I also have a three- week- old.

Christian: I know, I know.

Samantha: I will get to it. I will audiobook it.

Christian: But guys it's so good. And we want to read it alongside with you guys. So, we are hoping that from now until mid- August, you get the chance to get the book, read it, stay tuned for a giveaway on social media. So we're going to be giving a few books away. So, get engaged with us and read alongside. We will make sure to give you guys more info, but then we're hoping to gather even just some local people mid- August on August 14th, just for a fun little book club discussion. So-

Samantha: Yeah, save the date.

Samantha: Save the

Samantha: date for that. And I think you'll be so sick of hearing us talk about reading this book alongside us. So we'll be posting it. You can get it from Amazon, you can audiobook it, all the things.

Christian: And we'll put all those links in our bio and all the things.

Samantha: Yes, yes, yes. But this conversation that we wanted to have today will kick off that whole theme. And I think this book is so radical. Again, I haven't read it yet, but I'm seeing a lot of content from Jennie Allen, from other people talking about it. I think in the Christian community, a lot of times we're taught this, really include everyone and have... That's so true. I really want to be someone that would never make anyone feel excluded. However, in life, you need core people. And that can't mean a million people. You have to find this core group of people. And I think it's radical for Jennie Allen to come out and say, " If you don't have that, you're actually not being obedient to what the Bible says about community and you need to find it and you need to quit waiting around for it to just happen. You need to quit being lazy about it. You need to turn off Netflix and go find it." And so, that's so true. We have to play a role in that, and I'm excited to dive into that with everyone.

Christian: Yeah. It's a really awesome book. It makes you uncomfortable. And even now, I mean, as I'm looking at Samantha recording, I'm smiling here, because I think back a year ago when we recorded our friendship episode, I shared a lot of just my vulnerabilities in friendship and what God has taught me over the years. I love people. I'm a huge extrovert, love community, love engaging with other people. And therefore, I love friendship, but also, I think it's just the area that God challenges me in the most and he refines me the most by. And so, even now I think there's so many hard things about friendship. And we just wanted to walk through a few of those, that in this book, she walks through some. But what does it look like to be in pursuit of friendship, to be vulnerable in friendship, to initiate friendship? All those things are really messy. And so, we're not sitting here saying we have it together either. I think it's forever messy, because the reality is, is the deeper you get to know people, the more junk you see.

Samantha: Yeah. Well, and that's, Christian and I were talking before this. We're like, why is it so hard for certain people, or even for us in our life at times? And I think what it is, when you first meet someone, it's really easy to put your best foot forward, when you're just casually friends with someone and you're just... Why are you laughing?

Christian: Because we were just celebrating your birthday recently and I shared. They were like, " Let's all share a funny, my favorite memory of Samantha," and literally, actually, guys my favorite, or my first initial memory-

Samantha: Oh, gosh.

Christian: ...of Samantha was, if you guys meet Samantha, she's a beautiful girl, outside-

Samantha: Oh, my gosh.

Christian: ...and inside, but I didn't know that meeting her. So I was like, " Wow, she looks so put together. And she is so cute, so sweet, so nice, dresses so cutely." I was very impressed with her. And I remember thinking, " Oh, wow, she has her stuff together." So AK, she has probably no mess. And now the more I've gotten to know her, I mean, I love you more now, but guys, she's so weird, so goofy. That's probably my favorite thing about her now, is that I'm like, " Oh, wow, I didn't know that about you," but just one way that I've learned more of your mess. I mean, it's mess, but it's also fun.

Samantha: You're saying it really kindly. At my birthday, she said it in a really mean way. She basically said...

Christian: No.

Samantha: She basically said, " When I first met you or knew who you were, I thought you were a not nice person."

Christian: No, no, no, no, no. I said, " Hey, I am being really nice. I said, I thought you were-

Samantha: "I'm beingreally nice"?

Christian: I said, I just remember looking at you and you looked all put together, and I was like, I am not saying that you looked like a B. I said, because I knew she'd be like, "Oh, my gosh, you think I'm being really rude." And I was like, " No, no, no, no." I didn't think that. I was just like, wow, you have your stuff really together.

Samantha: Mm- hmm. Okay. She's saying it really nice in the podcast.

Christian: Okay, anyways, guys. Even in our friendship-

Samantha: Thank you, Christian.

Christian: ...I have learned to accept your AKA" mess"-

Samantha: Thank you.

Christian: But your just silliness, but also your mess, too. But anyways, go back to what you're saying-

Samantha: Well, I have accepted your mess, too.

Christian: ...I was just laughing. Yeah, you have, you have.

Samantha: But no, that-

Christian: And I love it.

Samantha: ...that is so true. It's like you meet someone and it can be really fun to go get dinner occasionally. And you're talking, you're like, " Oh, your work's been hard," or this... It's still super surface level. But what happens when we get really deep into it, I think what we see is, maybe you have a conflict with a friend and instead of digging in and moving past it's, " Oh, that feels messy, that feels too hard, that's too much work. I just would rather let this fizzle out," or" We're not going to be as close." And I think that keeps us from developing deep, deep community. It's interesting, that same night Christian was talking about just some friends, we were together for my birthday, which was so sweet. And one of my friends, she had said something really kind about me. And I was like, " I really love you." It's my friend, Brittany. I'll call her out. Because over the years, in our friendship, we've been friends for eight years now, there have been multiple times that she has set me down. I am not naturally intentional in friendships and it's something I've had to work on. And she has told me, " I don't feel like you're being a very good friend right now. And I love you and I value our friendship, so I'm telling you this." And it has given me the opportunity to repent and say, " Sorry," and to recognize, " You're right. I haven't been prioritizing you, I haven't been reaching out, I haven't been making you feel loved and valued in my life." And every time we've had those conversations, I told her the other night, I'm like, " It's almost like we could never not be friends now, because we've just gone through so many deep, hard things, that it's like, yeah, we're in it for life." And so, if you aren't willing to have those moments, then you're never going to develop deep, personal community and friendship. And so-

Christian: Mm-hmm. And I think, like what Samantha said, we hear from you guys all the time that, " We want to talk more about friendship," or, " Let us know about this idea of friendship." When we put Q& A boxes, that's the number one thing you guys talk about. And I think what's so interesting is, a lot of the things we hear about friendship is, in reality, the same sin struggles that we deal with in all areas of life, but because we are made to be in community and we are made to crave that, we all desire friendship a lot, and we really want that. And when it's not something that we maybe expected it to be, it feels really hard. And so, even backing up, what are things that stop us from pursuing friendship? I think it's really hard just to get uncomfortable. I think, just, we crave comfort in our lives and that we want something just happen naturally. And the reality is, is a lot of friendships don't happen naturally. It takes a lot of, if that's guts, just to walk up to someone and make yourself uncomfortable. Or, maybe, I don't know, maybe fear of just being rejected or anything like that. And so, I think even just getting uncomfortable and getting really used to being uncomfortable is the number one step. And so, then I think secondly, you have to get really comfortable with initiating. I think a lot of times, I've said this myself, that I want people to initiate. I don't want to have to do all the work. I feel like I'm constantly asking you. And that is so true. And I think there's a place and a time to say that. But I also think that there's just a reality that you have to die to yourself and you have to say, " I'm willing to do the work for this, and I'm willing to put myself out there." Which is hard and really hard to finally say, and then be willing to do and execute off of.

Samantha: I just thought of something I saw on Facebook the other day. So, it was this long post and it was this girl was saying, this is not someone I know, this was one of those viral posts. This girl was saying, " I had a friend recently that posted something about, I decided it was time in my life to reach out to my friends and take stock at what girls do I constantly reach out to, and which ones am I only the initiator of? And it made me realize there's a lot of friendships in my life that I don't want to have anymore because they don't reciprocate." Well, then this other viral person had taken that and said, " I'm thick in raising kids. I'm doing all these things. If I don't text you back, it doesn't mean I don't value you. If I don't initiate, I still love you." And this girl that I followed was like, " Yes, yes, yes. This is so true. I'm sorry. I might not text you back for a year, but that doesn't mean I don't love you," all this stuff. And I was thinking about that. I'm like, that used to be how I thought of, " Give me grace, I'm going through a lot," or" It's in a hard season. It doesn't mean that I don't love you if I'm not constantly reaching out." And then I realized, no, you cannot have community and relationships if it is one- sided. I am so tired of that excuse as young moms of, " Ugh, I just don't have the time." It's like, " I'm sorry. I still love you." No, no, no. If you want to have valuable community, you're going to make the time. Is it going to be hard? Yeah. Are you going to have to get creative? For sure. But if you want deep, strong community, you have to reciprocate it. It cannot be one person always reaching out.

Christian: Mm-hmm. Well, and I think that's so good. I mean, I could go on a tangent for days about this, but I just think the reality of it is, everyone is so stressed out in life. We all think we're so busy, we all think we're so stressed. And we are. We are busy, we are stressed. But I think the reality of it is, we were not created to do life alone. And the reality of it is that we make excuses for being too busy and we have our own set schedules, we are never willing to get uncomfortable, and therefore, we are making ourself more miserable by not doing life alongside people. Even if it looks like, " Hey, me and my kids are doing this. Do you want to come along with?" Or, " Hey, I'm running to target at 8: 00 PM, because I need to go get this stuff. Do you want to come with me?" Or, " Hey, me and the kids are going to go get a Sonic drink at 2: 00 PM. Do you want to ride in the car with me?" That's what it looks like. Because the reality of it is, is we weren't created to do this alone, and so, we're making ourselves more miserable trying to do it alone than rather doing it with people.

Samantha: Yeah. It's good. And there are seasons, I can think of a few friends right now where you do give grace. I mean, I have some friends that are walking through things, and even just what I walked out of. I was literally in the hospital and physically unable to be with people or to whatever. And it's like, there are seasons where that is the case and you give grace. But overall, I'm so thankful that I've had friends that have called me out for that, because it's, you're right, it doesn't feel like a relationship. We would not give the same excuse to our spouses, if it was just constantly one- sided. We would be like, " This is unhealthy. You need to get into counseling." Both of you have to be working as a team. And so, it's just funny that we expect one thing, but we're not willing to put out any effort. And I do, I want to go back to something you said earlier, because I don't think we have thought about this much. But the fear of rejection in new friendships has to be the big driver. It's almost like you're dating again. And I think the older we get, we just get more and more afraid, and it's like, everyone gets so set in their ways. And just so insecure, honestly, about meeting new girls. And we do have to just fight over that. Who cares if you're the one that's being silly. If they reject you, that's on them. That's probably their insecurity or their awkwardness more than it is yours. I think we just have to push through that.

Christian: Yeah. And I think, ultimately, I can only speak personally, but what I hear a lot, too, is that it's a combination of just a fear of rejection and a fear of just comparison. And ultimately, you don't want to reach out because they're not doing the same, or you're fearful that you're going to be rejected, because-

Samantha: It also feels good to be pursued.

Christian: Oh yeah. It feels so good. I mean go back to a dating relationship. We all wanted to be the girl who we were like, " Oh, no, he's chasing me." I mean, let's go back to, yeah, 14- year- old selves. That's what we would do-

Samantha: We want that in friendship, too.

Christian: Yes. And even as we look at our relationship with Jesus, literally, he pursues us. And so, I'm like, our job is to pursue people and our job is to initiate and start those conversations when it's really hard and not easy. So gosh, it's convicting, even as we say it. We do not have this figured out everybody.

Samantha: No. No, no, no. Okay, so let's just get really practical. I mean, Christian and I, and I will say maybe this comes easy for certain personalities. Christian and I are very talkative, we are very outgoing. We are very loud and can be forceful. So, something, her and I were talking about, it's like get used to, we've talked about this in other conversations, complimenting people can open up interesting conversations. Seeing someone at a coffee shop and, literally, if a girl's alone working on her computer, not being afraid to walk up and be like, " Hey, I really like your shirt." Even if you don't like the shirt.

Christian: Okay. Don't lie.

Samantha: Don't lie, but come up with something that you can start a conversation. You said last night, someone came up to you. Tell that story.

Christian: Well, yeah. Last night we had VBS at our church this week, and

Samantha: inaudible

Christian: ...I was just working.

Samantha: it's called?

Christian: It's like a-

Samantha: It's VBS.

Christian: ...VBS version of, okay?

Samantha: Mm-hmm.

Christian: And a lady walked up to me, and I had never met her before. She looked familiar, but I'm in the middle of greeting people. And she was just like, " Hey, do your kids go to this daycare?" And I was like, " Yeah, they do." And she was like, " I think I've seen you." Drop off, pick up, we don't really get to know the other parents a lot. But she was just like, " I just want to introduce myself. My name is so- and- so," and it was so kind of her. And literally, I looked her up later. I'm like, I want to make a connection with her. Because I'm like, that's so sweet. I want to know more moms, and our children are in the same class together. And so it was so sweet. And I was like, that takes a lot for you. Although, it was so simple. We say it takes a lot, but it honestly takes nothing. She literally just walked over and said, " You look familiar, what's your name? Because I think we go to the same daycare." And it was so sweet. It made me feel really thought of and cared for by her. That I was like, " Oh, I'm so..." Even in that, I'm like, wow, she's looking outside of herself, she's not concerned about what she's doing in that moment. But she is looking around and making connections, and I'm like, that's awesome. And I loved it.

Samantha: And we have all been in a situation. I've done that before, where the person doesn't really reciprocate well, where they're like, " Yeah," and awkward. You've all been there. And that's probably-

Christian: Oh, yeah, we've all been there.

Samantha: ...why you're scared to do it. You know what I think? When you walk away and you just smile and you kill them with kindness, who comes out on top in that? it's like, you were kind, you extended kindness. If they're going to act that way, then that's probably not a friendship or a community you're going to want to pursue anyways. And they're the ones that are feeling awkward, and that's probably coming out of their own insecurity anyways. So we can't, that might happen, but you have to move on from that.

Christian: Mm-hmm. Well, and I think, I'm saying this because I need to remember this for myself. But when we are people who are not looking and seeing, and looking out for other people besides ourselves, we are not acting like Jesus. He was constantly concerned about other people. He was constantly looking to see, how can I love? How can I serve? How can I extend, just help to someone else? And if we're not doing that as Christians, we are not doing our job as being like him here on earth. And so, my job is to not only be focused on what I'm doing in a moment, but when I'm at the store, to look around and see who can I offer a smile to? Who can I say hi to? Who can I extend or start a conversation with? Because ultimately, it's not about me, and it's about me showing Christ to other people. And how we do that in a very simple way is just saying hi and starting a conversation. And we can all think of ways that we can do that.

Samantha: Okay, so as you're extending, as you're trying to meet new people, another good thing to keep in mind, I guess, we can compare it to dating. Don't get psycho, don't get crazy. Don't try to make this girl your best friend in two days and do everything together, and everything has to be perfect. You could, wild thought, we could go to coffee with the girl to get to know her. And we could realize we don't really click, just like dating. Maybe you enjoy their time, but maybe you realize, okay, this isn't going to be my person, my person, and maybe that's okay. I think that has to be something, too. We get in our head, oh, if I meet this new girl, I'm sorry, she has to be in my vow, renewal, my matron of honor, or something, in five years. They don't have to be your best friend right away.

Christian: Well, but I think what we were saying, is going back to the mess. The reality of it is, is we are sitting here not having this figured out. I mean, just now I'm like, " Oh, shoot, this is messy and this is hard." And the reality of it is, when I meet a new girl and we go to coffee, she may say some things that I'm like, " Oh, that is really off, and that's really weird," or, " I don't agree with you there," or whatever it may be. But us going on a coffee date is not a bad thing. And it doesn't also have to be the most perfect thing. Now, I am going to see her mess, and hopefully, she's probably going to see my mess, because we are broken, messed up people. And that's just the reality of friendship. And so, I think the biggest thing, what I think this book also really points to is, we can't expect people to be meeting our expectations all the time. They're not going to be. In reality, we're not going to meet theirs. And so, we can't expect that from someone else when we can't even give them that in the first place. And the reality of it is doing life alongside people, is we're just going to have to enter into the messy and we can't expect different, which is hard. It's easier said than done.

Samantha: Crazy thing, but maybe we all need to be a little less sensitive to people in our life offending us or not meeting our standards, or not rising to expectation. Because I think we hear a lot in our culture, we've talked about this a lot before, " If they're not serving you in your life, cut them out." It's like, that is so toxic. I'm sorry, we're not asking you to be friends with someone that's just horrible or anything, but let's change that. No, maybe we should be their friend. Maybe we should push into that. And maybe we're expecting perfection when we don't look in the mirror to see that, we're a really bad friend at times, too, or we're a really hard person to be around. It's like, why do we forget that?

Christian: Mm- hmm.

Samantha: It's crazy.

Christian: Yeah, it's so easy. And so, we want to wrap this up, even mentioning one more thing she talks about in the book, which I'm excited for all of us to dig into. But even just creating margin in our life. I mean, again, I am preaching to the choir here with Samantha and I. But let's talk about the time that we are all making excuses for being too busy to get with someone, to when we meet someone new, we're like, " Oh, well, we actually can't hang out for two more weeks," or, " Hey, I can't text you back." I mean, given anyone who's listening to this knows I'm a terrible texter. I am working on it. But I'm like that just can't be an excuse. If we don't have margin in our life for a one- hour coffee date, or I'm talking about the late- night hangout or something, if we don't have any margin in our life, then we need to do serious discovery and recon about where is your time going? And I bet it's probably going on your phone. It's probably going to Netflix. It's probably going to places that are feeding you nothing, when, in reality, that is just who, that's not what we can be.

Samantha: It could be also going to really good things. It could be going to a lot of time with your kids. But maybe that's something where either, like Christian was saying, you do a play date or you say, hey, if I have the ability to, maybe I could get a sitter one morning, a week to go meet up with a girl and get coffee, or, maybe we can take our kids together somewhere. It's yeah, I think that's so, so good. I live so much of my life, where if a friend needed me at the drop of hat, I truly couldn't help them because I couldn't give up what I was doing. It was so important. And I just was able to reevaluate and say, " Wow, that's really putting my life on such a pedestal," and that is not living like God has called me to. I mean, I think of a time last year where I was at work, I was doing stuff, I had a busy day, but my friend's husband was going through a really serious surgery, and it was taking a really long time. And she was downtown at the hospital and to be able to text me and another friend, and I could just tell she was really stressed and worried. And the old me would've been praying and sending her a lot of sweet texts, but just going about my day. And I was feeling really called to just drop what I was doing and go down there and just hug her. And I was able to do that with another friend. And I don't say that to any regard to myself of just, oh, I could recognize how far I had come, because I was able to say, " This work will get done later. This is more important right now." It threw off my day. It was stressful at the end of the day, but I was able to serve her in that way, and I know she appreciated that. It's like, if we aren't able to do that, then we're not going to be able to have those close connections.

Christian: Yeah. Along with this, Find Your People book, with Jennie Allen, that we're going to read together, we have talked about it before, but if you need a good resource, The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer is an amazing resource. And honestly, it transforms the way that I manage my time. And I slow down and I am able to create margin like this in my life. And so, I know that some of what we've said today is maybe feeling really polarizing on one side or the other. But we have talked about it so many times on this podcast and in our conversations, that we really feel in a lot of these areas, you can't really be on one side or the other. It's this awkward place of the middle, and that's why we all have questions about it. That's why we all need to talk about it and why we need to dig into the Bible of what does Jesus call us to in community? And so, we hope that you guys read this book alongside with us and we hope it's fun and encouraging, and it inspires you to maybe make some changes that God has already placed you in the position for, and we can just help us all alongside each other, do that better.

Samantha: The root of all of this is our culture is more lonely than ever, more individualized than ever, and we're all hating that. It's not like we're reaching this point and saying, " Yeah, this is the way we want to live." And so, we want to help do something about that. I'm so excited for us to all get together. We're all going to meet up and it's going to be fun. Because I feel like a lot of us, if you're in mid- Missouri or if you're able to come to that night, it'll be-

Christian: Quiet.

Samantha: ...it'll be a way that you can meet new friends. And so, we're excited to host that and just get to know a lot of our listeners that we never get to connect with outside of our phones or on Instagram DMs. And so, that'll be fun. I mean, what a great way to meet new friends. If any of you tried to make an excuse that you would be scared to come alone, I will literally come out to the parking lot and walk in with you. And so, please just get excited for that night. Mark your calendars for August 14th. We'll give more details as it gets closer.

Christian: Mm- hmm. And we will put the link for the book in all the places that you can purchase it now, and then stay tuned, also, for a giveaway to get your free copy as well.

Samantha: Yes, yes, we're excited. Hey, thanks for going there with us.

Christian: If you loved what you heard, don't forget to follow along with us @ goingtherethepodcast.

Samantha: And it also means so much to us if you subscribe to our podcast and shared it with a friend.

Christian: Talk to you soon.